Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?
Apr. 20th, 2010 10:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sarasvatiToday I read an interesting post about not fitting the transgender mold. It struck a chord with me, since I am also someone whose physical sex does not comfortably match their mental gender, but I also don't fit into a nice mold hat somebody else has pre-shaped for transgendered people.
I looked at the DSM-IV-TR definition for gender identity disorder, the see the criteria that must be met for a diagnosis of GID or gender dysphoria to be given. They are as follows:
1. Long-standing and strong identification with another gender
2. Long-standing disquiet about the sex assigned or a sense of incongruity in the gender-assigned role of that sex
3. The diagnosis is not made if the individual also has physical intersex characteristics.
4. Significant clinical discomfort or impairment at work, social situations, or other important life areas.
I'm not intersexed, so far as I know, so that cuts out the issue of number 3. The feeling that I don't identify with my physical sex has been recognised for years, and signs potentially relating to it can be traced back to childhood, so I believe I fit number 2. I do get profoundly uncomfortable when somebody addresses me as "lady" or "woman" or "girl", because in a single word they are fitting me with all kinds of qualities that I don't have and don't agree with. I fit number 4.
I don't fit number 1. Why? Because the "other gender" that it needs me to identify with doesn't technically exist.
I consider myself agendered, which roughly means I don't associate with being male, female, or even androgyny or third-gender. Third-gender is closer to what I feel than male or female, but it still doesn't quite fit. When I think of myself as having no gender, it's like a sense of peace comes over me, comfort with the definition and the realization that yes, this is right for me.
How does one transition into nothing? How does one find a doctor willing to help somebody become neuter?
I tried to tell a therapist about my gender identity problems in the past. I tried to explain that I was certain that I wasn't internally male, but I didn't feel female either, and disliked everything about myself that made me female. Her response was to encourage me to spend time in the local gay and lesbian community, assuming that my gender problems came from a lack of connection to my sexual orientation.
I'm fine with my sexual orientation, by the way. I'm asexual. I do not have much of a sex drive. I can become aroused, I am capable of orgasm, but the thought of having sex or engaging in sexual activity leaves me cold and uncomfortable.
I've met plenty of people who don't believe me when I say these things. They believe that I'm repressing my gender and sexuality, or that my lack of connection to a gender or sexual identity means that there's something wrong with me.
I tried, when I was younger, to be a good girl. I tried to be interested in makeup and boys and fashion. Oh sure, I found some boys cute, and had the usual teenage crushes on a few male celebrities, but that was about as far as my femininity seemed capable of going. I bought a single tube of lipstick in my teenage years, and I used it so little that I still have it. My first boyfriend was somebody whom I was more interested in fantasy RP with than any actual romance. He told me he loved me and I told him he was too young to know what love was.
Younger still, I was accused by male friends of being a boy, because I had sports toys and outdoor games more than I had girl toys. I denied it. I wasn't a boy. I didn't know then that I wasn't a girl, but I was sure enough that I wasn't a boy. I played equally with Barbies and Lego, with Polly Pocket and my soccer ball. My Barbies were often escaping from wartorn countries or on the USS Enterprise, and with Lego blocks I built up towers and then threw crude planes at them to see how many planes it would take to bring the building down. (Few children could get away with that now, I bet.)
In high school, I tried to explain to friends what I wanted in a relationships, that I wanted "the perks but to avoid the responsibility." They insisted that what I thus wanted was a fuckbuddy. I didn't have the courage or words to tell them that the responsibility I wanted to avoid was sex and the drama surrounding it, and the perks I wanted were the nonsexual parts of a romantic relationship.
I didn't know the words then to describe what I know now. Asexuality. Genderqueer. Neuter. Nonsexual. I know them now, and I know they apply now, and I suspect they applied even then.
But no matter how many years I know the words and recognize the signs, that means nothing to a lot of people because I don't fit the mold. I don't fit into the F or the FTM boxes, and so my story isn't worth much and will probably never be given due notice.
The first transgendered person I ever met was an mtf lesbian. I didn't even know then that there was a mold she broke.
I find it painfully funny sometimes that although good work has been done to break down the gender binary, we're still stuck in it. Women can transition to men and vice versa, but only that. Women can transition to men and be given therapy for it, given hormones and surgery to make their bodies fit what their mind tells them should be. Men can transition to neuter, to androgyne, and only "make lifestyle choices", and are pretty much left to deal with it on their own, or at best are encouraged to further explore their gender and sexual identities until they finally decide on one or the other.
It can only be one or the other. It can never be in between or outside, or else it isn't real.
It's little wonder, then, that I used to joke about my gender and sexuality making me a nonentity. To many people, I am not real. I am not valid. I do not exist.
TL;DR - I amsarasvati, and I am a "bad trans person."
I looked at the DSM-IV-TR definition for gender identity disorder, the see the criteria that must be met for a diagnosis of GID or gender dysphoria to be given. They are as follows:
1. Long-standing and strong identification with another gender
2. Long-standing disquiet about the sex assigned or a sense of incongruity in the gender-assigned role of that sex
3. The diagnosis is not made if the individual also has physical intersex characteristics.
4. Significant clinical discomfort or impairment at work, social situations, or other important life areas.
I'm not intersexed, so far as I know, so that cuts out the issue of number 3. The feeling that I don't identify with my physical sex has been recognised for years, and signs potentially relating to it can be traced back to childhood, so I believe I fit number 2. I do get profoundly uncomfortable when somebody addresses me as "lady" or "woman" or "girl", because in a single word they are fitting me with all kinds of qualities that I don't have and don't agree with. I fit number 4.
I don't fit number 1. Why? Because the "other gender" that it needs me to identify with doesn't technically exist.
I consider myself agendered, which roughly means I don't associate with being male, female, or even androgyny or third-gender. Third-gender is closer to what I feel than male or female, but it still doesn't quite fit. When I think of myself as having no gender, it's like a sense of peace comes over me, comfort with the definition and the realization that yes, this is right for me.
How does one transition into nothing? How does one find a doctor willing to help somebody become neuter?
I tried to tell a therapist about my gender identity problems in the past. I tried to explain that I was certain that I wasn't internally male, but I didn't feel female either, and disliked everything about myself that made me female. Her response was to encourage me to spend time in the local gay and lesbian community, assuming that my gender problems came from a lack of connection to my sexual orientation.
I'm fine with my sexual orientation, by the way. I'm asexual. I do not have much of a sex drive. I can become aroused, I am capable of orgasm, but the thought of having sex or engaging in sexual activity leaves me cold and uncomfortable.
I've met plenty of people who don't believe me when I say these things. They believe that I'm repressing my gender and sexuality, or that my lack of connection to a gender or sexual identity means that there's something wrong with me.
I tried, when I was younger, to be a good girl. I tried to be interested in makeup and boys and fashion. Oh sure, I found some boys cute, and had the usual teenage crushes on a few male celebrities, but that was about as far as my femininity seemed capable of going. I bought a single tube of lipstick in my teenage years, and I used it so little that I still have it. My first boyfriend was somebody whom I was more interested in fantasy RP with than any actual romance. He told me he loved me and I told him he was too young to know what love was.
Younger still, I was accused by male friends of being a boy, because I had sports toys and outdoor games more than I had girl toys. I denied it. I wasn't a boy. I didn't know then that I wasn't a girl, but I was sure enough that I wasn't a boy. I played equally with Barbies and Lego, with Polly Pocket and my soccer ball. My Barbies were often escaping from wartorn countries or on the USS Enterprise, and with Lego blocks I built up towers and then threw crude planes at them to see how many planes it would take to bring the building down. (Few children could get away with that now, I bet.)
In high school, I tried to explain to friends what I wanted in a relationships, that I wanted "the perks but to avoid the responsibility." They insisted that what I thus wanted was a fuckbuddy. I didn't have the courage or words to tell them that the responsibility I wanted to avoid was sex and the drama surrounding it, and the perks I wanted were the nonsexual parts of a romantic relationship.
I didn't know the words then to describe what I know now. Asexuality. Genderqueer. Neuter. Nonsexual. I know them now, and I know they apply now, and I suspect they applied even then.
But no matter how many years I know the words and recognize the signs, that means nothing to a lot of people because I don't fit the mold. I don't fit into the F or the FTM boxes, and so my story isn't worth much and will probably never be given due notice.
The first transgendered person I ever met was an mtf lesbian. I didn't even know then that there was a mold she broke.
I find it painfully funny sometimes that although good work has been done to break down the gender binary, we're still stuck in it. Women can transition to men and vice versa, but only that. Women can transition to men and be given therapy for it, given hormones and surgery to make their bodies fit what their mind tells them should be. Men can transition to neuter, to androgyne, and only "make lifestyle choices", and are pretty much left to deal with it on their own, or at best are encouraged to further explore their gender and sexual identities until they finally decide on one or the other.
It can only be one or the other. It can never be in between or outside, or else it isn't real.
It's little wonder, then, that I used to joke about my gender and sexuality making me a nonentity. To many people, I am not real. I am not valid. I do not exist.
TL;DR - I am
sarasvati, and I am a "bad trans person."
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-21 04:56 am (UTC)But just as there is growing awareness that intersex people shouldn't necessarily be forced into male or female, there is also growing awareness of genderqueer/agender people.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-24 03:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-21 05:21 am (UTC)Not long ago, I signed up to volunteer at my city's LGBT community center; the online application offered "male" or "female" and no text boxes anywhere in sight. This was rather disquieting, but since there were background checks involved, I figured, "Well, maybe they had to keep the form to just legal information since it's getting sent out to be verified that way, and this isn't representative of how they usually operate." I went there today for the first time because they have a computer room and I was nearby & needed to check something, so figured why not; they required that one sign up for an account and then sign in on a sheet of paper. Options on the paper? M, F, MTF, FTM. And it was mandatory that I use my legal first name in the account and as my password, although I am not okay with that name, and having it basically forced on me again was not at all something that I appreciated. Or something that I had expected out of an LGBT community center, of all possible places. The totally-not-seeing-the-issue attitude of the person signing me up didn't really help either.
But I guess they didn't claim to be an LGBTQ community center, after all. So maybe it was my own fault for getting my hopes up. -_-;;
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-24 03:57 pm (UTC)While I can understand the request for a legal name on membership forms and the like, you'd still think that such a place would be a little more lenient on that. Or at least have a follow-up space where you can put your preferred name if it doesn't match your legal name.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-23 03:09 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-24 03:58 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-26 08:11 pm (UTC)You're far from the only one who considers themselves to be without gender. Although I myself do not (I'm a transgendered woman), I believe the term in the transgender community for how you feel is "neutrois" (though if I'm incorrect, please let me know), and I have at least two friends who fall into that category, maybe more.
I personally believe it to be just as valid as any other gender expression - which isn't to say I believe neutrois is a gender; it's obviously not, by definition. In my view, "gender expression" can include no gender, but of course I don't speak for everybody.
In my view, there are three different and completely separate things that come into any discussion involving this sort of thing - physical sex, gender, and gender roles. The last of these, gender roles, is the only one to be culture-dependent, and as such, what they are depends on who you ask. In Western society, gender roles are binary - we don't have any words other than "masculine" and "feminine" to describe gender roles. However, neither physical sex nor gender are binary - and gender might not even exist. (Whether physical sex can be nonexistent is a matter of debate; the definition I normally use for simplicity is that it's based on your chromosomes, although the actual topic isn't as simple as that.)
Anyway, my point is that I think your story is worth more than you think. It is, sadly, true that a lot of people won't understand; I can't imagine how infuriating it must be for you when people use "she" or "he" to describe you. And of course you already mentioned that although society is opening its mind to transgendered people, it's still in a binary fashion. But I did want you to know that I, at least, know that you exist. I'm also in a few communities, both inside and outside of DW, that also know this. If you'd like, I can give details.
I'm on your side, though, and I hope we can help spread the knowledge that, yes, agendered/neutrois people *do* exist.