The message of silence.
Oct. 15th, 2010 11:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sarasvatiI was talking to Rei about the bullying issue that's been so very hot online lately, and saying how if I wasn't so very awkward at speaking in public (or speaking at all, some days), I'd get involved in something local to help put a stop to it. Or at least to help students realise that it can get better.
Not that I'm not saying that it does get better, automatically, and every time. I won't lie and say that my life hasn't improved at all since high school, nor will I say that I put up with bullying on a regular basis anymore. That much changes... for some people. But the emotional crap, the repercussions are still being felt by me. It can get better. It can also take a fuckton of work. Some of that work is ongoing, some things I've just learned to have to deal with, and some has only been helped because Rei is incredibly patient with me even when I lose patience with myself.
Looking back on things, I know now that there were lots of places I could have turned for help. I just didn't know any of them would listen to me or actually help me. In particular, I think about Kids Help Phone. That option was always there for me. The problem was that I didn't think they'd take me seriously. I was going through an emotional rollercoaster every day, my friends split off into factions and I felt caught in the middle, my home life sucked, and I was suffering from depression that went untreated until I was living on my own. But my parents weren't physically abusive, I wasn't receiving death threats, and I didn't believe I had an eating disorder (even though I really did have one.) I wasn't pregnant, I didn't have a drug problem, I wasn't struggling with homosexuality. I was struggling with how to express my very confusing sexuality, yes, but even now when asexual has more exposure, most people don't take it seriously. In a nutshell, I thought that I'd call Kids Help Phone, explain my problems, and be told that I had to get off the line so that they could deal with people who actually needed their help, who had real problems.
I felt like my problems were tragically normal, and that the only real problem was that I was too weak to handle them. I didn't think that I could turn anywhere and have them listen to me.
This was a message that was reinforced into my 20s, even. One day at work, I suddenly freaked out, started crying uncontrollably and scartching the skin off my forehead. I lay in a dark room for an hour, wrestling with the idea of going back out there and telling my supervisor that I had to go home. Every time I thought the crying had subsided, I'd think about going out into a place where people were and I'd start to sob again.
Eventually I went out, and told my supervisor. She drove me to the mental health clinic. Nicest thing she ever did, in fact. I made an appointment to talk with a doctor there.
That appointment went badly. I told him my problems, that I felt pressured because I was working and Rei wasn't, that I felt out of control with my emotions, that I didn't think I could talk to anyone about it or that they'd understand, that I felt depressed, that I couldn't handle anything. I mentioned that I was helping Rei with money at the time, paying off some of his debt while he wasn't working so that his parents wouldn't find out and freak out.
The doctor's response. "You're a nicer person than I could ever be!" He deduced that all of my problems were social ones, that I wasn't depressed, and that I just needed to work harder at my life.
I tried to tell a counselor once about my gender issues, about how I didn't feel like I was female and yet knew certainly that I wasn't male. The counselor actually scoffed at me, and then grudgingly suggested that I start spending time in the local gay and lesbian community to get more comfortable with myself. I can only assume that she thought my gender issues were due to me being a repressed lesbian or something.
I had all sides bombarding me with the message that all my problems weren't really problems, and that all just reinforced the idea that I should shut up and stop bothering people with what wasn't really important. I learned to keep everything inside. I told Rei on numerous occasions that the way I dealt with my problems was to push them down until I couldn't feel them anymore, and so I could better concentrate on helping everybody else.
I think this is a big part of why I don't feel stress building until it's too late. Sometimes I'll be snapping at people a lot, sleeping very badly, feeling restless and antsy, and I won't even notice I'm doing all of that until Rei points it out and I reflect on the previous few weeks and come around to the conclusion that yup, something's stressing me out. I don't feel the stress. I don't even notice the effects that keeping it inside causes in me, and I suspect that's because I grew up knowing to keep silent and to practice ignoring all my problems because they weren't problems at all.
I don't even notice that I take my issues out on other people... That says a lot.
What screws people up isn't just bullying. That's a big part of it, and I won't deny that. And as I said before, it isn't just limited to GLBTQ teens, though the big buzz these days emphasizes them and their issues. But another factor in the equations is communication, or more specifically, a lack of communication.
That's why I applaud the efforts that people are going to in order to spread the word about all the groups and organizations that exist to help people who are going through serious crap in their lives. Not just telling people that they're there, but everything they're there for. Kids Help Phone was there for me... if anybody had actually suggested to me that I could use it, and that my problems were things they could help me deal with. I was so convinced that I'd be wasting their time that I never took advantage of their services, never got help when I needed it, and I am still having to deal with the ripple effect caused by years and years of untreated unhealed hell.
There are too many people out there telling trouble youth, troubled adults, troubled anybody that their problems don't amount to anything, and that they should just suffer quietly while the bullies get away with it all. Parents who don't pay attention, doctors and therapists who don't listen, teachers who just can't be bothered. All of it amounts to the idea that silence is the best way to handle everything. Just put up with it, ignore it until it goes away, be stronger and shut up about it.
"I was suposed to lead us in a moment of silence, but I won't. Silence is this town's disease."
Not that I'm not saying that it does get better, automatically, and every time. I won't lie and say that my life hasn't improved at all since high school, nor will I say that I put up with bullying on a regular basis anymore. That much changes... for some people. But the emotional crap, the repercussions are still being felt by me. It can get better. It can also take a fuckton of work. Some of that work is ongoing, some things I've just learned to have to deal with, and some has only been helped because Rei is incredibly patient with me even when I lose patience with myself.
Looking back on things, I know now that there were lots of places I could have turned for help. I just didn't know any of them would listen to me or actually help me. In particular, I think about Kids Help Phone. That option was always there for me. The problem was that I didn't think they'd take me seriously. I was going through an emotional rollercoaster every day, my friends split off into factions and I felt caught in the middle, my home life sucked, and I was suffering from depression that went untreated until I was living on my own. But my parents weren't physically abusive, I wasn't receiving death threats, and I didn't believe I had an eating disorder (even though I really did have one.) I wasn't pregnant, I didn't have a drug problem, I wasn't struggling with homosexuality. I was struggling with how to express my very confusing sexuality, yes, but even now when asexual has more exposure, most people don't take it seriously. In a nutshell, I thought that I'd call Kids Help Phone, explain my problems, and be told that I had to get off the line so that they could deal with people who actually needed their help, who had real problems.
I felt like my problems were tragically normal, and that the only real problem was that I was too weak to handle them. I didn't think that I could turn anywhere and have them listen to me.
This was a message that was reinforced into my 20s, even. One day at work, I suddenly freaked out, started crying uncontrollably and scartching the skin off my forehead. I lay in a dark room for an hour, wrestling with the idea of going back out there and telling my supervisor that I had to go home. Every time I thought the crying had subsided, I'd think about going out into a place where people were and I'd start to sob again.
Eventually I went out, and told my supervisor. She drove me to the mental health clinic. Nicest thing she ever did, in fact. I made an appointment to talk with a doctor there.
That appointment went badly. I told him my problems, that I felt pressured because I was working and Rei wasn't, that I felt out of control with my emotions, that I didn't think I could talk to anyone about it or that they'd understand, that I felt depressed, that I couldn't handle anything. I mentioned that I was helping Rei with money at the time, paying off some of his debt while he wasn't working so that his parents wouldn't find out and freak out.
The doctor's response. "You're a nicer person than I could ever be!" He deduced that all of my problems were social ones, that I wasn't depressed, and that I just needed to work harder at my life.
I tried to tell a counselor once about my gender issues, about how I didn't feel like I was female and yet knew certainly that I wasn't male. The counselor actually scoffed at me, and then grudgingly suggested that I start spending time in the local gay and lesbian community to get more comfortable with myself. I can only assume that she thought my gender issues were due to me being a repressed lesbian or something.
I had all sides bombarding me with the message that all my problems weren't really problems, and that all just reinforced the idea that I should shut up and stop bothering people with what wasn't really important. I learned to keep everything inside. I told Rei on numerous occasions that the way I dealt with my problems was to push them down until I couldn't feel them anymore, and so I could better concentrate on helping everybody else.
I think this is a big part of why I don't feel stress building until it's too late. Sometimes I'll be snapping at people a lot, sleeping very badly, feeling restless and antsy, and I won't even notice I'm doing all of that until Rei points it out and I reflect on the previous few weeks and come around to the conclusion that yup, something's stressing me out. I don't feel the stress. I don't even notice the effects that keeping it inside causes in me, and I suspect that's because I grew up knowing to keep silent and to practice ignoring all my problems because they weren't problems at all.
I don't even notice that I take my issues out on other people... That says a lot.
What screws people up isn't just bullying. That's a big part of it, and I won't deny that. And as I said before, it isn't just limited to GLBTQ teens, though the big buzz these days emphasizes them and their issues. But another factor in the equations is communication, or more specifically, a lack of communication.
That's why I applaud the efforts that people are going to in order to spread the word about all the groups and organizations that exist to help people who are going through serious crap in their lives. Not just telling people that they're there, but everything they're there for. Kids Help Phone was there for me... if anybody had actually suggested to me that I could use it, and that my problems were things they could help me deal with. I was so convinced that I'd be wasting their time that I never took advantage of their services, never got help when I needed it, and I am still having to deal with the ripple effect caused by years and years of untreated unhealed hell.
There are too many people out there telling trouble youth, troubled adults, troubled anybody that their problems don't amount to anything, and that they should just suffer quietly while the bullies get away with it all. Parents who don't pay attention, doctors and therapists who don't listen, teachers who just can't be bothered. All of it amounts to the idea that silence is the best way to handle everything. Just put up with it, ignore it until it goes away, be stronger and shut up about it.
"I was suposed to lead us in a moment of silence, but I won't. Silence is this town's disease."