sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)
[personal profile] sarasvati
Why, on the day when I said to Rei, "Hey, how about I meet you uptown when you're done work and we can treat ourselves to a little something," do my legs decide they want to feel like they have the stability of jelly?

And I know it's not just because the building is wobbling (it is wobbling, mind, because this place isn't exactly stable and there's a bunch of people and machines tearing down a building about 50 feet away from me, and the vibrations are making even the walls in here shake), because the weakness persists even after I sit down again.

Sigh. I suppose I should just be thankful that my previous walking problem ended. This past summer, I'd find myself frequently stumbling, like my legs didn't want to listen to the messages my brain was trying to send them. I'd trip and fall into things a lot. This got particularly scary when I noticed that I was inceasingly having difficulty swallowing. But that seems to have calmed down somewhat now, thankfully, and I'm chalking it all up to the summer heat. This past summer was one of the nicest and warmest we've seen here in years, and we even had a heat wave towards the end, so likely it was my body not knowing how to deal with the heat and making all my systems go haywire. Pretty thankful for that.

But ugh, not looking forward to the walk if my legs don't decide to shape up and support me properly again. I could bring my cane, which may help, but I don't want to worry Rei if it turns out that it's just fatigue creeping up on me or something, and knowing my luck, I'll get halfway there and my legs will get stronger again and I'll be left carrying the cane and looking like an idiot for doing so. It's been long enough since I used the cane that I'm not as thick-skinned about the looks that people give me for being young and cane-using, and I don't deal well with strangers on the best of days. I think I'd rather deal with walking slowly with jelly legs than with the paranoid thoughts I'd get by walking around with the cane again.

Nice balance. Physical health versus mental. And my problems aren't even major ones! At least not compared to what I see some people have to deal with on a daily basis. I can go for a walk without wearing myself out and needing a week to recover. I can manage to force myself past the front door on all but the worst days. Things aren't as bad as they could be.

On a somewhat related note, my gastro appointment is next week, so hopefully I can start figuring out what the hell's wrong with me where that's concerned. I'm pretty sick of pain waking me up in the middle of the night and having such a touchy stomach that sometimes even drinking a mouthful of water will have me running for the bathroom. I have some ideas about what the problem is, but my problem with that problem is that I don't fit one of the main symptoms: weight loss. Every other damn symptom is one I go through, but I'm still absorbing enough stuff to keep me from losing weight rapidly, so I'm worried that the gastro won't actually take me seriously when I talk to him.

Still, I'll keep my fingers crossed and undergo any tests he wants me to, even if they end up being horrible ones like the ones Rei had to endure. I doubt any diagnosis will surprise me, but just having one at all will make me feel a bit better. I'm the kind of person who doesn't go to a doctor hoping I'll be told that nothing's wrong, because when I go to the doctor at all, it's because weird stuff is happening to me that's disruptive enough to make me get over my discomfort around doctors. I want to be told that my worries aren't unfounded, that there is a problem, and even if it can't be fixed it can be controlled and lessened. I don't go to the doctor because I feel healthy, after all.


sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)

August 2011

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