Scared now.

My gastro appointment is this afternoon, and I'm terrified. Not just for the usual reasons of disliking having to see doctors in the first place, a fear which was drilled into me when I had the crappy doctor from hell. (The one who walked out of the room in the middle of me talking to her, haded me a 3-year prescription for antidepressants after a 30-second consult, and was eventualy charged with arson and drug trafficking.) That fear on its own would be bad enough.

But no, I fear having to go in there and work hard to convince the doctor that I'm not just making everything up just because I'm young. Or having to deal with him seeing that I'm overweight and trying to convince me that's the root of all my problems. Or him telling me there's nothing wrong because I'm not losing weight quick enough to be of real concern. The usual round of problems.

Rei had to endure some unpleasant tests before he got a diagnosis of IBS, and that was bad enough. But Rei had dropped 40 pounds in less than a year, barely had any appetite, and likely the only reason he didn't lose more weight was because when he did eat, often the only food he could stomach was stuff like bacon and eggs. So people were pretty willing to listen to him when he said, "I have a problem." Me, I've lost... 20 pounds in 1 year, and have had to work for it, because losing weight is very hard for me. And I'm scared of the doctor only seeing me as a fat person and hinging his entire diagnosis on that.

I know, logically, that won't happen. And if it does, I can and will voice my complaints and demand to be referred to a doctor who'll actually pay attention to the symptoms. But I've had enough stress and worry lately, and I didn't sleep well last night, and those two things combined makes my stomach very touchy to start with. I really don't want to end up getting worked up because of a bad doctor.

I want somebody to be able to tell me that it'll be okay, that I'll go in there and he'll pay attention to my problems and work with me to get a proper diagnosis and treatment. But I've heard too many stories, some of them from friends, about doctors who only see weight, who forget everything that's written on the chart they've just looked at, who ignore the patient and push their own agenda.

Sigh. I guess only time will tell. My appointment's at 3 this afternoon, so I just have to put up with anxiety until then. I'll be back later with an update, of course.

Update:

You know, a fit older doctor with long fingers may sound petty sexy, but when he pokes one of those long fingers as far as it'll go up your backside, the sexy goes far far away. Ow...

The gastro appointment went well, or as well and can be expected. My blood pressure was a little high, but considering how high my anxiety level was, that's no big surprise. ( Cut for TMI. )

But right now, he's leaning towards IBS. Which is pretty much what I've been calling it all along anyway, and have been acting like it is (except when I get some flare-ups in other areas that are suspiciously similar to Crohn's symptoms, anyway), so I already know how to handle it. It's all a matter of balance, which is what I've been working harder to gain for myself anyway.

Of course, one way or the other I know that stress is a big trigger for flare-ups, and given the amount of stress I've suffered this past year or so... Unemployment, financial problems, idiotic family members, general anxiety... It really makes me think that looking into counseling again might be one of the best things I can do for myself. Provided I can find a good one this time, that is, and not one who seems to want to rush me out the door ASAP and puts her own outlandish spin on my situations and issues.