sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)
2011-06-11 09:19 am
Entry tags:

Not how I wanted to get off work...

Excuse any typos here. I have only one good hand to use right now...

Yesterday, I broke my finger. A minor enough injury, you think. Aha, here's how it's not so minor. I broke it in such a way that a fragment snapped off and actually being held away from the main bone by the ligament, and it requires me to see a reconstructive surgeon to fix it. I'll also probably have arthritis in that finger from now on, because of where and how the break was.

I'm off work for at least 2 weeks and will probably also need to do physio to help this thing heal. I see the surgeon on Monday.

I'm wearing a temporary cast that goes almost to my elbow this weekend, to support the finger. I've also been given narcotics and muscle relaxants to help with the pain. I want to use them sparingly, though.

Anyway, since I can't do anything now that requires both hand (go on, make that "typing with one hand" joke, you know you want to), I'll probably fill the hours with lots and lots of reading. And trying not to think about how I'll be paying the rent without having worked for money.

But damn, the world really isn't built for the one-handed! I can't even open my pill bottles without help right now. I guess it could be worse, though. I could be going through this and still need my cane to get around. No idea what I'd do then!
sarasvati: (persona phone)
2011-06-06 09:44 am
Entry tags:

Dear Celexa:

While I greatly appreciate what you're going to be doing for my mental and emotional state in the near future, do you really have to give me almost all of your side effects along with that promise?

When I first took you, you made me sleepy. Really. Freaking. Sleepy. This time, you seem to be making me excited and irrtable in addition to making me sleepy. Seriously. What the hell, Celexa?

Also, the nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea? I can really do without that stuff, too. And the dry mouth makes me feel like I've been sucking on cotton balls all day.

So now I have to dread barfing at work today, in addition to having to have another argument with management about my pay. Joyful.

No love at the moment,
sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)
2011-06-01 04:16 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

Panic attack 1, yesterday, made me leave work.

Panic attack 2, today, drove me to the doctor, because I just can't fucking take this anymore.

I'm now back on antidepressants and out of work until Monday. And my doctor, because he's not a moron, knows my family history well enough to ask me when the last time I had my thyroid checked was. My father's thyroid is dead, and that can be hereditary, so it's worth checking. He also wants a CBC, as well as tests for liver and kidney function. Far more than Dr. Fuckwad did when I went to her with depressive behaviour, that's for sure.

Makes me wonder if my thyroid really has been declining for years. Last time I had it tested was with Dr. Fuckwad, and when I asked her the results, she glanced at them, said they were fine, and then when I asked what the next step was (I was seeing her about fatigue issues at the time), couldn't even remember why she'd sent me for tests in the first place. For all I know, my thyroid was starting to decline then and she didn't catch it. Thankfully, my current doctor is kind of awesome. I've only seen him twice, but I like him. Competant, and knows enough not to talk down to patients when it becomes obvious that they know some of what they're talking about when describing symptoms and potential treatments.

Not exactly looking forward to starting citalopram again, but if it stops my mood swings and panic attacks, I'll do it. Most of my problems with life right now aren't things that will go away with meds. Meds won't fix the pay issues at work, or stop people from treating me like shit, or get me a new job. But they will help me deal with my reactions to those things, which I know are off and have been off for a long time. I guess there's an upside to having done depression treatment before. I'm not naive enough to expect what won't happen.
sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)
2011-05-28 08:45 am
Entry tags:

(no subject)

Ugh, bad pain day. I got six hours of sleep last night due to waking up with cramped legs again. Normally that happens if it's cold all night and I spend my sleeping hours curled into a ball for warmth, but it's been warm enough lately to stretch out, and there's no reason my muscles should be cramped and sore enough to wake me up after too little sleep.

Also, the worst case of dry-mouth I've had that doesn't involve having eaten a bunch of salty food right before bed. Bleh. Not a good start to the day. Thankfully I don't have to go out anywhere, so i can stay at home and recovery; still feeling less than great over the lung infection that's clearing up. It took its toll on my lungs; they don't have the capacity they did beforehand, so I've got to do all that careful building-up of lung strength again while trying not to cough. Not fun.

I really hate days like this. The only thing worse than then coming on weekends is them coming on days where I have to go to work, since then I'm in pain, low on sleep, and have to just push past it and work for 8 hours. At least when I can stay at home, I can take care of myself as needed.
sarasvati: Squashed Teddie from Persona 4, looking angry (evil Teddie)
2011-05-18 10:28 am
Entry tags:


It's no surprise to me that I'm sick again. It's gone from a stuffy nose and a swollen tonsil (just one, mind you) to barely being able to talk and feeling tight-chested and occasionally like I'm breathing in chalk dust. This started shortly after I finished a course of antibiotics for another illness, mind you, so I'm fairly certain this one's viral and there's little I can do but wait it out.

Which is a pain in the ass, since I'm on vacation this week. Sitting up is more of a chore than it ought to be. I spent most of yesterday watching the first half of House, season 4, and working on some cross-stitch embroidery.

It's also been raining for days. It stopped yesterday, only to start again at night, and it's not raining now but it's cloudy and the forecast calls for more of it later on.

Waiting fo0r my order from The Book Depository, which is bringing a cookbook, a craft book, and a YA dystopian novel that I've been wanting to read for over a month now. Also waiting for my order from GameStop, which has the Persona 3 remake for the PSP and the original Persona remake for the same system. The one in which they removed the removal of all references to Japan. Well, all references but Shinto shrines, for some reason. But yeah, in the remake, they essentially rebuilt the game from the ground up, left the character images the same as they started out (in the initial PSX release, they were whitied up so much some of them bordered on looking undead), and from everything I hear, made the game flow better. I've got the PSX game; it's slow, kind of clunky, and didn't manage to keep my attention for very long, so I'm hoping the better edition will, well, do better.

And now I think I might lie down for a while, since I keep feeling flashes of heat under the skin of my face, and I really don't want to have to battle a fever on top of everything else that my body's currently trying to handle.

(Oh yes, and by the way? Remember when I didn't get paid for 16 hours of a workweek over a month ago? Yeah, I'm still waiting for that money. Somebody was supposed to call me on Monday to sort it out. They didn't. I don't expect it to be on tomorrow's paycheque. Which means that when I get back in on Monday I am going to tear a fucking strip off somebody.)
sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)
2011-04-07 11:21 am
Entry tags:

The worst day for pain

Last night at work, my legs started to ache. Very badly. Standing up didn't help, sitting down didn't help, stretching my legs in all different directions didn't help. I was glad, at least, that nobody really needed my help in a way that required me to get up and hobble over to them.

By the time I got home, they hurt so badly that getting up the stairs was more thanks to hauling myself up the railing and just lifting my feet when I needed to, rather than any actual stair-climbing. I downed a muscle relaxant and some painkillers just so that I could sleep.

My legs are still very stiff and sore this morning. Not as badly as last night, thankfully, but I'm still walking very slowly and leaning on walls when I can. If they don't get better before work, I'm going to have to seriously consider taking my cane with me for stability.

They've never hurt this badly before. This is getting ridiculous. I know I've been unsteady on my feet recently, and that my legs have ached and been stiff in the mornings, but I've never gone through this level of pain with them.

And yes, I'm still afraid to go to the doctor. Last time I saw my doctor, it was to request stress leave. This was the first time I saw him, and he was a bit reluctant to give me leave because he didn't know me well enough to know how much I needed it, but I really don't want to have to go back to him with another complaint that's huge like this. Even if it has been over a year since the stress leave thing. People keep telling me that this stuff is likely caused by stress, after all, and I can't afford to take stress leave (my workplace apparently has a nice history of firing people who go on stress or medical leave before their probationary period is up), nor do I want to look weak in front of a doctor like that. "Yes, doctor, I appear to be so stressed out by the normal things that everyone else goes through every day that I'm losing the ability to walk normally..." Makes a great second impression.

Playing Ragnarok is helping my stress levels come down somewhat, letting me make it through days without feeling so snappish, because I get to take out my frustration on little pixels in the shape of monsters. Very therapeutic. Maybe if I keep that up for a few weeks, and it is all just stress-related, I'll stop being in so much pain and I can get through life relatively normally again.
sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)
2011-03-08 11:09 am
Entry tags:

(no subject)

The unsteadiness in my legs seems to have become some sort of permanent feature at this point. :/ Not fun. I really am hoping that my body just reacts to stress in an unpleasant way, but even if that's the case, then I'm going to have to find ways to cut down the stress in my life, and one of my biggest stressors right now is the fact that my workplace refuses to hire a supervisor for the billing team, meaning that the escalations team has to keep order without having any actual authority to do so. Pain in my ass, let me tell you!

Stress level isn't helped by Daniel being stressed about his job. They're trying to bully him into working nights again, and demanding yet another doctor's note if he refuses. This will be their third doctor's note he'll have had to bring them, and considering they ignored the first and second until he took it to the company's head office, that's not impressive.

Haven't slept well for a few nights now, and my left eyelid's been twitching for two days straight. Also not fun, and very frustrating.

Finished reading Jo Walton's Among Others, which is an absolutely brilliant book. Am in the middle of Brandon Mull's A World Without Heroes (thus far rather disappointing) and a re-read of Mercedes Lackey's Winds of Fate (as enjoyable as ever). I really need to read more of the e-books I've received, since I have a tremendous backlog now, and it's not made easier by the fact that I'm no longer allowed to bring my Kindle to work.

I've nearly saved enough enough Swagbucks for another $5 giftcard, and I'm hoping that their offer of free shipping on orders over $25 holds long enough for me to take advantage of it. It's done so since January; at this point I'm wondering if it's their new policy rather than a special deal.

Pokemon Black and White were released on Sunday, and I've been playing that. It's interesting in its differences from previous generations of the game. TMs can now be used repeatedly, which is very nice. The levels of wild Pokemon are to a scale where level-building is now a challenge sometimes rather than tedious. I have to get out of the habit of rushing through areas the way I'm used to, because levels of wild Pokemon are usually around the levels of my trained Pokemon, sometimes higher. Previous games have gotten me in the habit of thinking I can rush through and that I really only need to train a little for Gym Leaders. That isn't the case anymore, and it's both frustrating (because I have to adjust to it) and welcome (because it makes the game more of a challenge).
sarasvati: (make tea not love)
2011-02-12 10:43 am
Entry tags:

Cough hack hack wheeze!

There are many days in which I wish I had something more entertaining to talk about here. As it is, the most exciting things that have happened to me thus far consist of getting back from PEI and finding out that I have laryngitis.

Some people leave their hearts in San Francisco; I left my voice in Charlottetown. Mine doesn't make good song lyrics.

At least the job training was good, even if I was sick through almost the whole damn thing. I now get the power to approve refunds and credits, and to do some more legal changes to accounts. Fun!

I'd have an easier time getting my work done, though, if my home centre actually had bothered to get our emails set up so we could get the templates and guides that we need. As it is, until they do that, we can really only do about half of what we're supposed to be doing.

On the other hand, part of the duties that we've taken upon ourselves rather voluntarily consist of doing some coachbacks to agents. I honestly can't believe the amount of stuff that people were doing wrong. In some cases, it's excusable, because our training sucked and we got a lot of wrong info. In others, though, the agents just aren't trying. And since there are way too many incidents for sups to coach them back on (Sup A is also handling the tech support teams, and Sup B is lucky she knows how to turn on a computer), we're going to do it.

This means making ourselves unpopular. People like us now. They're not going to like us when we sit them down for the fourth time and ask them why they're still not reading case notes or still escalating issues that don't need to be escalated. We've gone from colleagues to superiors, and I don't doubt that there'll be some grumbling about us on the floor.

But let them grumble. Coachbacks need to be done, and agents need to learn and improve. Kat, Bernice, Joe, and I all learned. We learned the hard way, through work and our own coachbacks and helping others and putting in the extra effort. It's how we got the promotions - I did floor support and additional retraining, Kat did floor support and was acting supervisor for a few weeks, Bernice knows her job as well as Kat and I do, and Joe's been there the least time of us all and he's proved himself very competant. We got our positions on merit, not on butt-kissing, and it's possible that any agent could do the same. If anybody grumbles at me for turning into a disciplinarian...

Well, in truth, I haven't changed, per se. The only thing different about me is that I have the authority to do coachbacks. But when I did floor support, if somebody did something incorrectly, I'd educate them. When I was covering the floor for a sup, if I saw somebody with their cell phone out or online, I'd give them a warning. If they ignored the warning, then I'd report them for rule-breaking; it's not like I didn't give them the chance. I'm not changing in this role, and I didn't suddenly get power-hungry.

I just hope the others can keep seeing that. I don't really want to be disliked.

I'm just hoping my voice returns by Monday so that I can go in, handle cases, do callbacks and coachbacks, and find access to all the things I need access to. I want to be awesome at this job! I can't be awesome if I have no voice and no work email.
sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)
2011-02-07 07:17 am
Entry tags:

Today's going to be a blast.

A blast of pain!

I kept waking up last night because my throat hurt every time I swallowed. Didn't go away by this morning. In fact, that lovely little symptom was joined by throwing up, blood when sneezed, and the inability to get warm despite the fact that the water from the shower was almost scalding.

Yeah, adjustment sickness. new place, slightly different climate, storms that keep coming and going, new living quarters where the gods only know what's come and gone through it. I don't think I'm sick with a cold so much as my body's just reacting to all the chances, and reacting badly.

Cough drops, lots of tea, and an early night in bed, I think. Not much else for it. It's not like I can call in sick or anything.
sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)
2011-02-03 06:12 pm
Entry tags:

The battle for hydration.

I landed myself in the hospital yesterday. My headache was on its third day without abating, and I was starting to see flickers of darkness around the edges of my vision whenever I heard sounds. And given that I work in a call centre, well, it's hard not to hear sounds. I asked my supervisor if I could go to the hospital, and when she heard why, she drove me.

Turns out it was a migraine, which was vaguely surprising because I don't tend to get migraines anymore, and because even when I did, they didn't come with an aura. But they gave me migraine meds by IV, which helped about as much as the short nap did.

At this point I'd like to take a moment to thank the doctor in the ER by name. Dr. Sukosd, you're awesome. Not only were you amused by my, "Oh god, no," reaction to being asked if there was any chance I was pregnant, but while on the way to check on another patient, you looked in on me, saw that I didn't have a blanket, got me on, and told me to take a nap so that I'd feel better. Normally I feel lucky if doctors look at me like I'm a person and not simply a problem to be solved. You went above and beyond, and that's so very awesome. I am making a point of going to to give you my praise, too.

Anyway, while I was lying there, after the med bag had finished and the saline drip had started, I noticed that my hand was warm. Normally my hands, and feet, are rather cold, because I know I have crummy circulation. But the hand that the IV was attached to was warm, right down to the fingertips, when it was lying outside the blanket and my other colder hand was under it.

Then it hit me. The saline. The hydration. I hadn't connected it before, but I have crappy circulation and I know I don't drink as much as I ought to. I knew dehydration often caused headaches in me, and I recognize what they feel like when they happen, but I really hadn't connected dehydration to the circulation issues before that moment.

So now I'm making a stronger effort to stay hydrated. I'm even going so far as to put a chart on the wall so I can mark down whenever I drink 250 mls of liquid, so that I can keep track of it and know when and where to make improvements, find out how much I usually drink in a day. I'm guessing I drink about a litre, maybe a litre and a half on most day, and I know that's only about half as much as I ought to drink.

And today's bad, since I woke up early, drank half a small bottle of 7-Up at lunch, then took a nap until 5. So about 250 mls over 12 hours. More than 12, really, since I don't think I drank anything between 11 last night and lunch... So yeah, between 11 PM last night and 5 PM today, I drank a cup of clear pop. I finished the bottle and am having some tea, and I plan to drink another mug of tea and some milk before bed, and possibly a smoothie if I can convince Daniel to make me one.

You'd think that staying hydrated wouldn't be so hard, but I've been in the habit of not drinking enough for years, so forcing myself to drink more takes a conscious effort. But it'll be worth it. It'll help me lose weight, help reduce my headaches, help my extremities not feel so damn cold all the time. It'll even help with my sinus problem, since, gross as it sounds, it'll thin everything out in there and help keep it from getting so cloggy.

*raises mug of tea* Here's to a healthier me!
sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)
2011-01-19 09:08 pm
Entry tags:

In less happy news...

While I'm still pretty darn chuffed about managing to get cheap groceries, some of that happiness is overshadowed by the fact that other pieces of my life are less than great. Our old landlord wants to withold a large portion of the damage deposit, and some of the claims he made even we agree with, but...$80 for "general cleaning?" Some of the photos taken as proof that we did damage to the place are grainy and in greyscale, meaning we can't identify what the hell the picture's supposed to be in the first place, let alone know how to dispute it.

This isn't helped by the fact that the first letter the rentalsman's office sent to us regarding this issue was sent to our old address. The one we moved out of. The one that pertains to the damage deposit we wanted transferred and our old landlord wanted for himself. Nice job, morons.

My job is going nowhere. Every time I think I might have some room for advancement, something comes along to block it. My sup, who had every indication that he was getting a promotion (including being put on the mailing list for the position he applied for) ended up not getting that job. Which means that no sup job opened up for me to apply for. Which means I'm stuck as an entry-level agent for the foreseeable future.

Oh no, wait, not entirely. I do get the privilege of walking the floor and helping the new training class. Extra work, for no extra pay. Two others get the privilege too. And they also get to have other temporary sup privileges, like being allowed to fill out paperwork and take agents off the phone. I don't get that. I get to do extra work for no extra pay, extra responsibilities for no compensation other than not having to take calls for a while sometimes, and it doesn't seem like anything's actually going to change.

One thing that I love about this job is that I can read on my Kindle between calls. Can't do that when I'm floorwalking. And right now, I'm torn between just letting them use me and keep hoping that I eventually get somewhere because of it, and telling them that if they want me to do more they can compensate me appropriately, which they won't do, and thus then refuse to floor-walk or assist other agents when sups ask me to, which will kill my chances of promotion, but it will let me chill out a little more and get more reading done.

I'm in a training class right now, learning a new aspect of the campaign (more duties, no more pay for it, of course, though at least that makes more sense since it involves a client merger), and I swear I spend more time trying to help the supervisor catch up because she just doesn't have the brain to think grasp what we're learning. She doesn't have the brain to grasp what she's supposed to be supervising us regarding; she failed both tests from the previous training class. She was hired as a supervisor based on previous sup experience, not because she knows the material and has good leadership skills. More than half the agents on the floor admit openly that I could do a better job than her. But I won't get the chance to.

It took a call to the Labour Board to have anything done about the heating in the training room being broken. Let me elaborate - it's been broken since the last time we used it, which was back in November. It was -20 Celcius outside on Tuesday, we were all wearing coats and hats and blankets indoors, and were too cold to concentrate, and we had to get up and walk around to thaw out about every half hour. Eventually, even the trainer gave up and complained. One of my coworkers made a point of calling the Labour Board and ended up speaking to the inspector who viewed the building in December. He wasn't impressed.

And let me tell you all, it's funny how quickly a company will call a repair person when they think they're going to get in serious govenmental shit if they don't. It was fixed 3 hours later. Which is good, but it's disgusting that they let it go that long in the first place, and only responded to threats rather than decency.

My stress level is, naturally, rather high through all of this, and I don't register stress much. I mean, I don't feel it consciously, but I have the appropriate reactions. My sleep suffers, I snap more, my health declines. But I don't feel stressed unless it's exceptionally bad. This past week and a half, I've choked on liquids more times than I care to count, and my legs have been shaky and unsteady a lot. Same symptoms I had in July and August, when my stress level was really climbing high because we were running out of money and I still hadn't found a job. I now have to be very careful to take smaller mouthfuls when I drink anything, and to walk close to walls or handrails, because I'm apt to lose my balance or not have my feet respond properly when I tell them too.

At least, I'm assuming this is all because of stress. Gods help me if it isn't.
sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)
2011-01-09 09:50 pm
Entry tags:

Lifey update.

Came down with a stomach bug toward the end of the week, which made me miss a day of work and feel touchy all Saturday. Fortunately, with the exception of getting some groceries and a new surge protector (had a minor power surge last night), I didn't have to go out for anything, and got to spend the weekend recovering. I'm feeling much better now, thankfully, and should be able to return to work tomorrow.

Good thing, too, since the newbie class hits the floor and my supervisor has strongly hinted that he'll be getting my help as floor support. Anything that keeps me off the phones.

Though as much as I don't mind working where I do (so long as there are no more pay screw-ups, that is), I still do wish that I didn't have to work but could still afford rent and bills and the like. Still crossing my fingers for that lottery ticket!

Daniel made a delicious beef stew on Friday night, and made far too much of it, so we've been eating beef stew for two days and we're likely to eat it for another two yet. I was going to make a vegetable stew today for work lunches, but it seems I won't need to do that until Tuesday or so.

Beef was also cheap this weekend, so we stocked up and froze what didn't go into the stew. I have plans to make nikujaga with it. We've also still got plenty of ham left over from the Yule feast (it's in the freezer, of course), and so I'll probably spend next Saturday making split-pea-and-ham soup. And another batch of baked beans. That ought to take care of next week's lunches, and probably dinners, too. Daniel really likes the baked beans that I make, and they're so cheap that really, I can't complain at making them. The pea and ham soup won't be very expensive either, especially since I'm using leftover ham.

Read and reviewed 4 books thus far in the month, a feat which is somewhat lessened when you consider that between gifts and galleys, I thus far acquired 21 books. Luckily I don't foresee getting many more this month, so I'm hoping that the ratio will be a little more balanced at the end. Not sure how much I'll be able to read at work next week if I'm on floor support, though, but I'm aiming for another three books read and reviewed by next Sunday.

The apartment's coming along nicely, though I admit we've been a bit lazy about unpacking some things. The craft room is more of the storage room at this point, and our storage room is still filled with bags of clothes that need to be washed and donated, washed and folded and put in dressers, or washed and turned into rags. We're trying to be sparing on the water, though, since its our landlady that has to pay for the water consumption and not us, and she's nice enough that we don't want to burden her too much. Little bits at a time, especially when we've got enough decent stuff to get by for now.

A friend and local writer has asked me to act as his editor/cheerleader while he works on something he's looking to submit for publication at the end of this year. Haven't done much so far, but we're both getting adjusted to life as normal after the holidays, so we can both be forgiven, I think.

Wow... I'd say I wished for a more exciting life, but actually, I'm quite happy not having one. I prefer my life to be steady, tending to lazy and comfortable, rather than rushed and exciting. Rushed and exciting just means I get worn out and sick more easily, and I'm having enough of a problem with that now that I've returned to work. I've gone from a recovering immune system to one that's being bombarded with the illnesses of a hundred other people five days a week - it's no wonder that I've picked up a few colds and whatnot since I started there!
sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)
2010-10-06 04:23 pm
Entry tags:


You know, a fit older doctor with long fingers may sound petty sexy, but when he pokes one of those long fingers as far as it'll go up your backside, the sexy goes far far away. Ow...

The gastro appointment went well, or as well and can be expected. My blood pressure was a little high, but considering how high my anxiety level was, that's no big surprise. Cut for TMI. )

But right now, he's leaning towards IBS. Which is pretty much what I've been calling it all along anyway, and have been acting like it is (except when I get some flare-ups in other areas that are suspiciously similar to Crohn's symptoms, anyway), so I already know how to handle it. It's all a matter of balance, which is what I've been working harder to gain for myself anyway.

Of course, one way or the other I know that stress is a big trigger for flare-ups, and given the amount of stress I've suffered this past year or so... Unemployment, financial problems, idiotic family members, general anxiety... It really makes me think that looking into counseling again might be one of the best things I can do for myself. Provided I can find a good one this time, that is, and not one who seems to want to rush me out the door ASAP and puts her own outlandish spin on my situations and issues.
sarasvati: Itsuki, from Fatal Frame 2 (thoughtful)
2010-10-06 08:41 am
Entry tags:

Scared now.

My gastro appointment is this afternoon, and I'm terrified. Not just for the usual reasons of disliking having to see doctors in the first place, a fear which was drilled into me when I had the crappy doctor from hell. (The one who walked out of the room in the middle of me talking to her, haded me a 3-year prescription for antidepressants after a 30-second consult, and was eventualy charged with arson and drug trafficking.) That fear on its own would be bad enough.

But no, I fear having to go in there and work hard to convince the doctor that I'm not just making everything up just because I'm young. Or having to deal with him seeing that I'm overweight and trying to convince me that's the root of all my problems. Or him telling me there's nothing wrong because I'm not losing weight quick enough to be of real concern. The usual round of problems.

Rei had to endure some unpleasant tests before he got a diagnosis of IBS, and that was bad enough. But Rei had dropped 40 pounds in less than a year, barely had any appetite, and likely the only reason he didn't lose more weight was because when he did eat, often the only food he could stomach was stuff like bacon and eggs. So people were pretty willing to listen to him when he said, "I have a problem." Me, I've lost... 20 pounds in 1 year, and have had to work for it, because losing weight is very hard for me. And I'm scared of the doctor only seeing me as a fat person and hinging his entire diagnosis on that.

I know, logically, that won't happen. And if it does, I can and will voice my complaints and demand to be referred to a doctor who'll actually pay attention to the symptoms. But I've had enough stress and worry lately, and I didn't sleep well last night, and those two things combined makes my stomach very touchy to start with. I really don't want to end up getting worked up because of a bad doctor.

I want somebody to be able to tell me that it'll be okay, that I'll go in there and he'll pay attention to my problems and work with me to get a proper diagnosis and treatment. But I've heard too many stories, some of them from friends, about doctors who only see weight, who forget everything that's written on the chart they've just looked at, who ignore the patient and push their own agenda.

Sigh. I guess only time will tell. My appointment's at 3 this afternoon, so I just have to put up with anxiety until then. I'll be back later with an update, of course.
sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)
2010-09-30 02:09 pm
Entry tags:

Why, body? Why?

Why, on the day when I said to Rei, "Hey, how about I meet you uptown when you're done work and we can treat ourselves to a little something," do my legs decide they want to feel like they have the stability of jelly?

And I know it's not just because the building is wobbling (it is wobbling, mind, because this place isn't exactly stable and there's a bunch of people and machines tearing down a building about 50 feet away from me, and the vibrations are making even the walls in here shake), because the weakness persists even after I sit down again.

Sigh. I suppose I should just be thankful that my previous walking problem ended. This past summer, I'd find myself frequently stumbling, like my legs didn't want to listen to the messages my brain was trying to send them. I'd trip and fall into things a lot. This got particularly scary when I noticed that I was inceasingly having difficulty swallowing. But that seems to have calmed down somewhat now, thankfully, and I'm chalking it all up to the summer heat. This past summer was one of the nicest and warmest we've seen here in years, and we even had a heat wave towards the end, so likely it was my body not knowing how to deal with the heat and making all my systems go haywire. Pretty thankful for that.

But ugh, not looking forward to the walk if my legs don't decide to shape up and support me properly again. I could bring my cane, which may help, but I don't want to worry Rei if it turns out that it's just fatigue creeping up on me or something, and knowing my luck, I'll get halfway there and my legs will get stronger again and I'll be left carrying the cane and looking like an idiot for doing so. It's been long enough since I used the cane that I'm not as thick-skinned about the looks that people give me for being young and cane-using, and I don't deal well with strangers on the best of days. I think I'd rather deal with walking slowly with jelly legs than with the paranoid thoughts I'd get by walking around with the cane again.

Nice balance. Physical health versus mental. And my problems aren't even major ones! At least not compared to what I see some people have to deal with on a daily basis. I can go for a walk without wearing myself out and needing a week to recover. I can manage to force myself past the front door on all but the worst days. Things aren't as bad as they could be.

On a somewhat related note, my gastro appointment is next week, so hopefully I can start figuring out what the hell's wrong with me where that's concerned. I'm pretty sick of pain waking me up in the middle of the night and having such a touchy stomach that sometimes even drinking a mouthful of water will have me running for the bathroom. I have some ideas about what the problem is, but my problem with that problem is that I don't fit one of the main symptoms: weight loss. Every other damn symptom is one I go through, but I'm still absorbing enough stuff to keep me from losing weight rapidly, so I'm worried that the gastro won't actually take me seriously when I talk to him.

Still, I'll keep my fingers crossed and undergo any tests he wants me to, even if they end up being horrible ones like the ones Rei had to endure. I doubt any diagnosis will surprise me, but just having one at all will make me feel a bit better. I'm the kind of person who doesn't go to a doctor hoping I'll be told that nothing's wrong, because when I go to the doctor at all, it's because weird stuff is happening to me that's disruptive enough to make me get over my discomfort around doctors. I want to be told that my worries aren't unfounded, that there is a problem, and even if it can't be fixed it can be controlled and lessened. I don't go to the doctor because I feel healthy, after all.
sarasvati: Greyscale image of Sae, from Hidamari Sketch (happy)
2010-09-23 01:08 pm

Breathe in, breathe out, smell that turkey!

I walked 2 miles today to get groceries. There's something to be said for not having a bus pass when the weather's still decent. Thing got kind of tricky to carry back, though, as I overestimated my strength and ending up buying a little too much (I'd forgotten, until I was there, that I need more dish soap and eggs), but I still made it back before my lungs burned and my muscles ached.

I love getting stronger! I'll be doing the same walk tomorrow, too, even if I don't end up carrying back as much.

Sometimes it's scary to think that even a year ago, that walk, even in very mild weather, would have left me wheezing and tight-chested, and I'd need a while to recover before I could go out again. Four or five years ago... I'd probably need to bring my inhaler with me and take it at least once before the walk was finished. My lungs have really gotten better in the last few years, and I'm loving every second of sweet delicious oxygen!

Health-related stuff. )

There's a turkey roasting in the over now, stuffed with homemade stuffing (leftover bread that's going a little stale, sausage, and onion), and it should be ready for Rei coming home from work. We bought it last night, taking an impromptu trip to the grocery store to grab a few things, and they had whole turkeys marked down to an incredibly low price. The one we bought was originally $37 and was reduced to $11, since their sell-by date was today, and they wanted to get them out of the store. No problem for us, since a 5.5 kilogram turkey will make an excellent couple of meals, and the price was too good to pass up! what we don't eat for supper tonight or turk into sandwiches tomorrow will be made into turkey sausage balls for later consumption, and since it also came with the neck (stuffed into the body cavity, which I always find weird), I suspect there'll be a nice turkey broth in the making, too.

Carrots, potatoes, and probably peas will be done up closer to the time the turkey's done cooking.

And we have delicious ice cream for dessert!
sarasvati: A quill pen in an inkwell, sepia-toned. (writing)
2010-09-21 12:24 pm
Entry tags:

Clackedy-clack goes the keyboard!

It may be decently warm outside according to the Weather Network, but the sky is that particular kind of clear bright blue that only comes with the colder weather. The sky always looks different in the summer from in the winter. I'm not sure if it's the shade of blue that changes, but to me (and to Rei, too, so I know I'm not completely insane), a clear sky in summer and a clear sky in winter, even when they're both a bright beautiful blue, look different enough for me to even be able to tell when things are unseasonably warm or cold.

Regardless of why this happens, it's certainly happening today. The sky looks cold, and I'm glad to be inside where I can stay toasty and nurse myself back to health.

Speaking of, I'm feeling better today than I did yesterday. Not great, mind you, and I think I'm sitting up straight only because of medication, but yesterday I had to take double doses and still had to suffer through symptoms. Vast improvement! But that's the way I tend to get sick. I feel like crap for a long time, sometimes as long as a couple of months, and then the illness just explodes and makes me feel like death warmed over. But the worst of it usually lasts for a day, maybe two if it's a very bad cold, and from there I'm on the mend. It may take me a week or more to feel decent again, but it gets better every day.

Until the next found of infections. But I'm still not getting sick as much or as badly as I used to, which I'm taking as a good sign. It's just that when I am sick, I feel like I've been sick forever. Probably because I get so used to the general blah feeling that I associate that with good health, and then when it becomes really obvious that no, it's yet another cold or bout of the flu, I get to look back and realize that in hindsight I've been under the weather for ages.

But this past summer was one of my healthiest in memory, and I'm going to try to stay on top of things this winter, too, to make it a good one. Winter's always bad for me because my lungs have more chances to go haywire, but I'm getting better at taking care of myself and eating better and all that, so fingers crossed that I get through as easily this winter as last winter. Maybe even better!

Since Rei's going to be done until around sunset, I plan to spend today doing a fair bit of writing. I'm was to get at least 3000 words done on Fractured, which I've finally found the feeling for again. I'll probably update my writing journal with more details later, if my fingers haven't fallen off.

Might also work on some of the cross-stitch holiday cards that I had in mind the other day, too, when I need a bit of a break from writing.
sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)
2010-09-20 01:35 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

A sinus infection. Oh joy, oh bliss, this is just what I needed to make my day complete. I'd go out and pick up some cheap meds, but since Rei isn't due back for another 2 hours at the earliest and I still can't find my keys, going out and then having to hang around outside for at least an hour really doesn't sound that appealing. I'd much rather stay inside where it's warmer, more comfortable, and will at least allow me to drink mug after mug of tea.

And large amounts of ibuprofen, as the infection is giving me one massive headache.

I really hate sinus infections. I've become so prone to them over the past year or so. It used to be that whenever I got sick, it would be my lungs that I'd have to worry about the most. Now it's my sinuses.

Of course, that may well be due to unemployment, weirdly. The winters last so long around here that having to go out in the cold all the time did nothing for my lungs, and even with meds they probably still got a little weaker, and made them more susceptible to infection. This past winter, I was able to stay inside a lot, which probably gave my lungs more time to grow strong again. Now that they're better than they have been in a while (not great, of course, but I don't think they ever will be), it's my sinuses that are at the greatest risk.

If it's not one thing, it's another.

But I'm trying to stay optimistic. Things could, after all, be worse. I could have both a lung and sinus infection, for example. *knocks on wood* I could have no choice but to go somewhere and then have to hang around for hours until I can get back inside the apartment. Got to look on the bright side!

I should probably be using this time productively or something. Writing, reading, maybe doing some small crafts to sell at the annual Christmas craft fair. Instead, I feel unmotivated and more apt to just waste time on TV Tropes. Because, you know, it's TV Tropes! You can lose entire weeks of your life going through that site.

Or maybe I'll take a nap. My eyes are burning badly enough and I slept badly enough last night that a nap might be the best thing of all for me right now.
sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)
2010-09-03 04:05 pm
Entry tags:

Tired of this.

Today marks my year-and-a-day since I last had steady employment. It was September 2nd, 2009, when I came home from the ANE to find out that I, and the rest of my coworkers, no longer had jobs. In the time since then, I've had a month and a half of paid work, countless interviews, far more resumes sent off with no interviews whatsoever, and a buttload of self-esteem problems that come from being constantly rejected for jobs that half-trained monkeys can do.

I'd actually have a job by now if it wasn't for the company requiring a piece of ID that they have no reason to require. My SIN card I can understand, but they also claim that because I'm not a Canadian citizen, I need to show them my PR card, which I don't have. Why don't I have it? Aside from the fact that there's a 4-6 month waiting list and it costs $50 I can't afford, the Permanent Resident card shows that I'm allowed back into Canada if I travel outside the country on my British passport. But the company that wanted to hire me claims that it proves to them that I'm eligible to work in Canada (no, that's what my SIN card is for), and they won't hire me without it.

That ends that.

I am still waiting on the money that's owed to me by the dead company. They drag their feet, lie, delay, lie, and delay more. The owners both have steady employment again now. I don't think they give a rat's ass about anyone other than themselves. It burns me up that what they did is technically not illegal, even if it is highly unethical and I think they should both be exposed for the scumbags they are.

My health has been both improving and deteriorating. I no longer have quite as many stomach problems as I did at the beginning of the year, though that isn't to say I have none. I still have to be very careful about what I eat. Not too much processed flour stuff. No potato ships before bed. Not too much red meat. No acidic stuff in the mornings. No anything in the mornings, really, unless that "morning feeling" has passed. I still have the gastro appointment in October, though, and hopefully that will clear a few last things up.

On the other hand, I've been more unsteady on my feet lately, falling over and tripping and getting dizzy enough to swerve in the middle of the street. It could just be a lousy reaction to the heat wave we've been having, since I've never tolerated the heat well, but this stuff predated the heat wave. It was only a month or so ago that I choked on liquid twice in three days, though I've been careful since. Could be a combination of a lot of factors, one of which is my stress level. That's been noticably high again, as evidenced by the fact that my Tourette's tics have come back. Not just head tics, but more verbal ones, and I haven't gone through echolalia since I was a kid, but here I am now, sometimes finding myself violently blurting out what somebody near me just finished saying.

I'm keeping an eye on everything. Could be nothing, could be something, but it's disruptive nevertheless. Even if it's just the heat and stress getting to me, I have to walk slower and more carefully now to avoid swaying and stumbling, and that's a pain when half of my friends are fast walkers.

I swear, my bookblog is one of the only things keeping me sane these days. At least when I'm reading books and writing reviews, I feel productive. Shame I don't get paid for it, though. Even $10 a review would still give me about a 40% boost to my monthly income right now. Kind of sad, that, when you consider that I've been rather slack about it all and I'm only reviewing about 5-6 books a month. Honestly, if I devoted 40 hours a week to reading and reviewing, I could probably manage 8-10 a month. But since I've been trying to get out for walks every day, have been sending out resumes and doing the occasional interview, have been doing more cooking and cleaning, and still going to the gym with my mother, as well as other incidentals that crop up here and there, it doesn't leave much time in which to just sit down with a book and do nothing but read for hours on end. And in this heat, it's hard to find the motivation to do anything at all sometimes!

Suppose I ought to sign off now. The tail end of Hurrican Earl should be here some time tonight, lasting into tomorrow, which will be nice since it'll cool everything down, but will also mean I'm trapped inside for most, if not all, of tomorrow, and I want to get some fresh air now before the rains hit.
sarasvati: A white lotus flower floating on water. (Default)
2010-07-10 01:50 pm
Entry tags:

This, that, and the other.

Feeling rather unpleasant today after my heart decided that it was going to try to explode its way out of my chest earlier. (I know why it did this, though I don't much want to talk about it here [read: REPRESSING, LALALA!], but it my heart's not great to start with so it kinda freaked me out anyway.) Then my gut decided to join in the stressy fun. Oh joy, oh bliss.

This has been one hell of a week for me. I wish I could have been filled with loads of happy things, like cake and long writing sessions and lots of laughter, but it's instead been filled with health worries and stress and the knowledge that I should be writing but feel absolutely no inclination to.

I blame the heat for my lack of motivation. It's hard to want to do anything, let alone use a machine that warms with use, when it's over 30 degrees C outside.

Well, I tell something of a lie. I do want to write. I just don't want to write what I'm supposed to be writing. I'd rather go back to an older story and work on that instead. But I challenged myself to write something different thing month, and I'm now behind on my wordcount because blah, just don't feel like it.

I wish I could find happier things to talk about here. I feel like anyone who's read my DW lately must have just gone away feeling all depressed because all I talk about is how things suck and I'm having trouble and my health isn't great. There must be more to life than this! I want to get out of this slump I'm in!

I guess, ultimately, I wish life wasn't so very complicated. I know, I know, I think that everybody wishes that a thousand times in their life, and wishing for it never made it so. The only thing to really do is to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and keep on going, doing the best I can for as long as I can.

Some days, doing that sounds easier than others.

[Edit] - At least I finally remembered to send off that email to a lawyer, regarding the whole "You worked and we're not paying you for it" thing. Now all I can do it play the waiting game while keeping my fingers crossed.