(no subject)
We had our Yule celebration this past Sunday, and I confess, a lot of it disappointed me. I was planning to make a large ranty post about it, getting out all all the frustration that was caused, but for various reasons, I kept putting it off.
Then today, I started thinking about it, what made it so disappointing, and how it differed from last year's incredibly satisfying Yule celebration. I finally narrowed it down to one main thing: focus.
True, there were some things that legitimately would have disappointed just about anybody, and I feel that some of my annoyance was justified, at least to an extent. But some of it was just overreaction, and pointless, because being frustrated didn't even lead me to fixing the problem so much as avoiding it.
In thinking more about it, the biggest thing that changed between last year and this year has been my mindset. Last year, I was in the beginning months of my unemployment, and being gung-ho about simplifying my life and finding a focus again, and a good chunk of that focus was a spiritual one. My mindset was definitely one of, "Be thankful for what I have, because there'll be less before there's more," which fits in nicely with the theme of Yule. There's a celebration that the days will get longer from here on out, and also the implied blessing of having enough to have a feast when you know that the dark days are still going to be here for a while and the growing season is over and won't be back for months. I was mindful of that, last year. Not only mindful of it, but I actively had fun with it. I made most of my presents. I wrapped gifts in pretty cloth instead of wasting paper. I was aware, in each bite of the food that I ate, that I was lucky to be eating it, lucky to have what I had, even if it may not have been a hell of a lot.
This year... not so much. I'm still in the joyous throes of having a new job that brings in $600-700 biweekly, enough that I could buy people "real" presents. I didn't think to be so appreciative of the food, because I knew I could get more. I used wrapping paper that mostly got thrown out when it had been ripped off the presents. My focus was all wrong, and I paid the price for it.
I need to get back to the feeling I had last year. The feeling of calm certainty that I didn't need fancy stuff to be happy. The feeling that enough was as good as a feast. The simplicity and modest humility that I felt and was comfortable with.
It's hard. My job requires me to be hard-hearted sometimes, competent and aggressive and ambitious, to talk to people when I don't want to, to suck up when I don't want to. To be judged on how I dress rather than how skilled I am, which always frustrates me. One thing I really enjoyed about unemployment was the ability to be at home, to focus on myself and ways I can improve my life in small and simple ways, to get comfortable with being me before I had to step outside and put on a mask in order to deal with other people. Many take it for granted that putting on the mask is easy. It isn't, not always. It certainly isn't for me. But I have to do it, because I do need the money. I may be making a fair amount right now, but nearly all of it is going to rent and bills and groceries while Daniel uses his paycheques to lower his credit card debt. The debt that he racked up by covering nearly all the bills for the past year. I can't afford to think that I have a ton of money to spare, because I don't. I can't afford excesses. I still have to be frugal, and frugality is a hard thing unless you also can take some joy in simplicity.
I think, over the past few months, I forgot how to do that. I lost my confidence, I lost my joy, and I lost the feeling of comfortable spirituality that came with it.
For a long while, I covered my head as a sign of modesty and spiritual expression. My religion certainly doesn't command me to do so (see the article I wrote for many reasons behind pagans veiling, if you like), but I did so for the comfort it brought me. It not only made me feel safe and comfortable, but it was also a very physical reminder of a spirituality I felt and the things I aspired to. I think perhaps I ought to start doing that again. Maybe I could stand having a greater reminder of what I want in my life, and giving myself back that security blanket that allowed me to put another layer between myself and the world I find so hard to fit into. It couldn't hurt. It may well help. It will, at the very least, give me a focus.
And a focus is what I really need right now. Giving in to such baseless negativity does nobody any good, and I want to get away from that.
Though I don't expect that getting work to accept that I wear a head covering for religious purposes will be very easy, especially because it's not exactly a secret that I'm pagan. Most workplaces will accept it for Muslims, if that. It might be hard to convince the people in charge that yes, it may be unorthodox, but it's related to my spiritual development and expression.
Then today, I started thinking about it, what made it so disappointing, and how it differed from last year's incredibly satisfying Yule celebration. I finally narrowed it down to one main thing: focus.
True, there were some things that legitimately would have disappointed just about anybody, and I feel that some of my annoyance was justified, at least to an extent. But some of it was just overreaction, and pointless, because being frustrated didn't even lead me to fixing the problem so much as avoiding it.
In thinking more about it, the biggest thing that changed between last year and this year has been my mindset. Last year, I was in the beginning months of my unemployment, and being gung-ho about simplifying my life and finding a focus again, and a good chunk of that focus was a spiritual one. My mindset was definitely one of, "Be thankful for what I have, because there'll be less before there's more," which fits in nicely with the theme of Yule. There's a celebration that the days will get longer from here on out, and also the implied blessing of having enough to have a feast when you know that the dark days are still going to be here for a while and the growing season is over and won't be back for months. I was mindful of that, last year. Not only mindful of it, but I actively had fun with it. I made most of my presents. I wrapped gifts in pretty cloth instead of wasting paper. I was aware, in each bite of the food that I ate, that I was lucky to be eating it, lucky to have what I had, even if it may not have been a hell of a lot.
This year... not so much. I'm still in the joyous throes of having a new job that brings in $600-700 biweekly, enough that I could buy people "real" presents. I didn't think to be so appreciative of the food, because I knew I could get more. I used wrapping paper that mostly got thrown out when it had been ripped off the presents. My focus was all wrong, and I paid the price for it.
I need to get back to the feeling I had last year. The feeling of calm certainty that I didn't need fancy stuff to be happy. The feeling that enough was as good as a feast. The simplicity and modest humility that I felt and was comfortable with.
It's hard. My job requires me to be hard-hearted sometimes, competent and aggressive and ambitious, to talk to people when I don't want to, to suck up when I don't want to. To be judged on how I dress rather than how skilled I am, which always frustrates me. One thing I really enjoyed about unemployment was the ability to be at home, to focus on myself and ways I can improve my life in small and simple ways, to get comfortable with being me before I had to step outside and put on a mask in order to deal with other people. Many take it for granted that putting on the mask is easy. It isn't, not always. It certainly isn't for me. But I have to do it, because I do need the money. I may be making a fair amount right now, but nearly all of it is going to rent and bills and groceries while Daniel uses his paycheques to lower his credit card debt. The debt that he racked up by covering nearly all the bills for the past year. I can't afford to think that I have a ton of money to spare, because I don't. I can't afford excesses. I still have to be frugal, and frugality is a hard thing unless you also can take some joy in simplicity.
I think, over the past few months, I forgot how to do that. I lost my confidence, I lost my joy, and I lost the feeling of comfortable spirituality that came with it.
For a long while, I covered my head as a sign of modesty and spiritual expression. My religion certainly doesn't command me to do so (see the article I wrote for many reasons behind pagans veiling, if you like), but I did so for the comfort it brought me. It not only made me feel safe and comfortable, but it was also a very physical reminder of a spirituality I felt and the things I aspired to. I think perhaps I ought to start doing that again. Maybe I could stand having a greater reminder of what I want in my life, and giving myself back that security blanket that allowed me to put another layer between myself and the world I find so hard to fit into. It couldn't hurt. It may well help. It will, at the very least, give me a focus.
And a focus is what I really need right now. Giving in to such baseless negativity does nobody any good, and I want to get away from that.
Though I don't expect that getting work to accept that I wear a head covering for religious purposes will be very easy, especially because it's not exactly a secret that I'm pagan. Most workplaces will accept it for Muslims, if that. It might be hard to convince the people in charge that yes, it may be unorthodox, but it's related to my spiritual development and expression.