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When that supervisor told me that he told payroll that I needed that 16 hours of pay before the next paycheque, I believed him. I still believe him. I believe that he told them that, and that he honestly believed they would care.

Evidently, he was wrong, because it's the last day of the month, and the money's not in my account. Fortunately, out landlady always ends up cashing the rent cheque late, so what I was short on my last paycheque because of sick time should be made up on the pay I'll get this Thursday.

Assuming, of course, that they did that right. More than half of me expects that on Thursday, I will be arguing not only for the pay that they should have given me two months ago, but also for my vacation pay that will have somehow not gotten calculated properly.

I'm too tired of all this stuff to go in there with a smile on my face and pretend that it's all okay. I'm having panic attacks so badly that I don't want to sleep again, because sleeping means that I'm not conscious of time passing, which means that tomorrow gets here that much faster and I have to go back to work. I shake thinking about having to go outside, not just to go to work, but in general. If I have to do it, I balk, because it's not a choice for me, and I can't choose to stay inside if it's too much for me to do otherwise.

I don't want to have to keep doing this. But I can't seem to get any bites from other companies, and setting up a plan where I can sustainably work from home will take years, and I'm not sure I can put up with months of this, let alone years. I'd find a way to go back on EI if I could, but that wouldn't pay enough to cover my expenses and would run out, and it took me over a year to find the job I currently have; there'd be no guarantee I could find another job before the EI benefits ran out.

Besides, doing that, even if it would give me enough to get by, wouldn't give me enough to save up so that I could do the library technician course that I'm planning on starting on January. Unless EI would cover that too, which I doubt. I'm basically backed by circumstance into this shit-hole that doesn't give a damn abouts its employees enough to pay them properly.

I really hate it when people pull the whole, "You should be grateful you even have a job" crap on me. The implication there is that I should like being fucked over like this. Or at least that I have no cause to complain. The idea that anything is better than nothing, so I should just shut up. And yes, to an extent, that's correct. I'd rather be employed than unemployed, but it's not because I enjoy the work I do. I'd rather have enough money to survive by doing what I enjoy, which would be legitimate work in its own right. But I am not thankful that my current employer, much like my last employer, isn't paying me properly. I'm not happy to think that I could be making enough money save a couple of hundred a month, except that I'm never sure I'll be paid properly and so I can't count on anything that should be coming. I'm not thankful that this job is directly responsible for making me think I need to be back on medication to handle my anxiety. What part of this should I be thankful for without any reserve? I'm not being paid properly. I fear going in for my shifts. I was made to act as a pseudo-supervisor for over a month, taking half of the responsibilities without traininbg or pay increase, because they couldn't be bothered to hire a proper sup for the team. I'd be far more appreciative of this job if I saw a signs that the company cared even an equal amount for their employees as they do for their clients...

Half an hour until I have to get ready and leave for the day... Starting to shake again, and I can't afford to call in...

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Sarasvati

August 2011

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